Here are some things that I don’t really understand. Why do some parents think that being a real hardass on their kids makes them respect that parent? It doesn’t work. It only makes one afraid to talk, speak her mind. I’ve had visions of what would happen if I actually said what I wanted to say to my father. I could see him throwing me up against a wall or something. He sure came close tonight. I could see it in his eyes. I want to say what I feel to him though. I want to. I need to. Just to see what happens, because then, maybe I can prepare myself for it.
Hitting a child will only either make him/her mean (like a beaten dog) or make him/her afraid (the kind the cowels down when you go to pet it). My dad hasn’t hit me yet, but I feel that he will. All he does it get drunk or go to Michelles or yell at me. I hate it. It’s like he finds something wrong with me so he can yell at me for it. I’m a slut, lazy, stupid, ignorant, a bitch. What else…I dont even know if I made the right decision to live here or not. I dont know how much more I can take of it.
Some parents wonder why their kids kill themselves…or why a lot of others think about it often. Parents aren’t all of the reason, but I know that mine don’t deter me from thinking these things. It seems like they would be better of without me. I’m too expensive for them. Neither of them want me. That is how I feel. I’m becomming too expensive, and it’s not something that I can really control. There is a war going on inside of me trying to put reason into my mind for the way my parents are. On the other side, in my own defense, they don’t know what they are doing with me. They are hurting me. Mostly my dad right now. I couldn’t tell him this though.
I locked myself in the bathroom shortly after this incident with him and wrote a letter, then threw it away. I might have sounded crazy in the messed up way I was writing. I want to sound calm and composed when I write him. If I can’t say how I feel to him in person, then I must write it. Either way he must know.
Wore it like a witch tracing fingertips along a silver belly. Snake River. Shivered twice …
Swallows gathered and separated overhead like bees fountaining from the mouth of a sunken meadow, …