Though I knew this was going to happen all day long, I still was unprepared.
This may seem a little dramatic for the situation but this is what I was thinking of writing while on my way home from work.
It began early I guess. I thought of mostly, that people wouldn’t care when I left. I guess it was a premenition because that’s exactly how it happened in reality. I mean, I’m sure people cared that I was leaving, but there wasn’t as much EMOTION as I would have hoped to recieve from them. It seemed like it was just another day to them, of course it was, because they weren’t the ones that were leaving. I was. I did. I am the one that misses them. At the end of the work day, just like in the beginning I sat in the bathroom for a while…alone. I was just taking it all in. The lights were off and the only light that lit the bathroom floor was the miniscule amount of light that snuck through the bottom of the door. When I sighed, it echoed back at me and struck me right in the heart because I knew, that no one would come and comfort me. I needed someone to feel that love for me then. I really needed someone then, and there was no one.
They must have thought me pathetic for making such a deal about quiting but it really meant something to me to do that. I didn’t want to do that. Howies was like my family, my friends. This is the second time that I’ve had to leave my friends and family this year and I just can’t deal with it very well. It’s the second time I’ve had to leave Nikki. I know Whitecaps is still there but honestly, it’s not the same as Howies. It’s different now…everyone there is different. People are grown up and not as fun anymore. People have quit there, and I’m thinking about quiting myself. I know that’s probably not the best choice, and I can’t quit, but it is in no way close to how I feel about Howies.
I also felt like I couldn’t handle things, like I was a quiter for not being able to balance 2 jobs and school at the same time. That brings me great shame. I dont like to quit things like this and I don’t like to walk away from my friends. That’s a part of life though, as my dad explained. I still do not want to deal with it though.
Another thing that bothered me was how cold it felt to talk to someone that I’ve felt so close to. There was nothing. It was very disturbing. I’m sure it was nothing, but maybe it was. Meh…what can you do?
I need to read some more…maybe get some more books. Need to get my mind off things.
Wore it like a witch tracing fingertips along a silver belly. Snake River. Shivered twice …
Swallows gathered and separated overhead like bees fountaining from the mouth of a sunken meadow, …